This Article by the author of The Gift of Gabe has appeared in: The Messanger and Spirit in the Smokies


Forgiveness,

by Brian Joseph


Most of us have known of situations where close friends or members of a family have a falling out and don’t speak to each other for years. Some of us have probably been a party to those type of situations. Sometimes they come about due to relatively minor things––liked perceived disrespect or someone not paying back money. Sometimes they are over a feeling of betrayal or a disagreement over a decision or a lifestyle.

When people outside of these situations hear about them, they can sound both ridiculous and sad. Sometimes these falling outs go on for years while each waits for the other to ‘give in’. Sometimes the falling out is carried to the grave and along with the mourning of the loss of a loved one is the mourning of the loss of years that went by without forgiveness.

Forgiveness is powerful. It can do more for the forgiver than for the person who is forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t something we give to another person it is something we give to ourself when we forgive another. Real forgiveness usually isn’t saying, ‘I forgive you’ although it can be that. Sometimes it is just making the first move with the offering of an ‘olive branch’ that communicates forgiveness. Sometimes it can be as simple as picking up the phone and saying, ‘I was thinking of you’. Sometimes it can be saying, ‘I’m sorry’ even when you know that you weren’t the only one who was wrong.

Simple things sometimes seem hard to do, but once done, they can be exhilarating and releasing. It isn’t really ‘giving in’––it is ‘letting go’. Letting go of a burden, letting go of the fear that your approachment might be rejected. I marvel when I hear stories of the healing power of forgiveness. Friends who reconnect and vow to never let anything come between them again, a father who hugs the son he has not spoken to in years, a man who gains nieces and nephews by reconciling with his brother after ten years. In these type of situations there is usually a feeling of, ‘why did I wait so long, it was easy’. That feels so much better than , ‘why didn’t I, now (s)he is gone’.

I learned the importance of forgiveness at an early age. I was ten years old and had a falling out with a close friend. It was over some relatively minor thing that seemed important at the time. We didn’t speak to each other for a few weeks and it would have gone on longer if not for the intervention of my mother. My sister’s birthday was coming up and I was insistent that Georgie not be invited to her birthday party. Mom said that he would be. In my stubbornness I said that if Georgie came then I wouldn’t be there. Mom said that was not an option. On the day of the party Georgie and I ignored each other at first, each of us acting as if the other wasn’t there. Then during one of the games, we laughed, giggled and made eye contact. A few minutes later we were playing and talking with each other. I noticed mom looking at us and smiling and I held my hand out to Georgie and said, “I’m sorry “. Georgie shook my hand and said, “Me too”.

Our friendship returned to what it had been and I felt a bit foolish over the whole issue of us not having talked to each other for a few weeks. Two weeks later I sat on my front steps with Georgie and two other friends. Georgie spotted another kid across the street and he wanted to sneak up and startle him. Georgie crouched down between two parked cars waiting for the right moment to have maximum startle effect. The car seemed to come out of nowhere. It was going to fast to stop in time. Georgie’s short life in this world ended in an instant. In the aftermath of his death one of the things that I thought about was how I would have felt if I had not ‘let go’ and been forgiving.

‘Life is short’ seems to be a cliché but it is true. We are visitors just passing through. None of us know when this visit will end for us or for others. If you have a friend or family you have not spoken to over a ‘falling out,’ forgive them now. You may not have the chance tomorrow. Even if you are turned away you will probably still feel better than if you had not made that first move. Such is the healing power of forgiveness and it can be contagious often melting hearts that have become hardened.



Copyright 2006 – Brian Joseph. All Rights Reserved


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